Toddler Vocabulary Found to Be 90% the Word 'No'

STANFORD — Linguists at Stanford University have completed a comprehensive study of toddler vocabulary and discovered that 90% of their spoken language consists of the word 'no,' even when the answer should be 'yes.'

'It's linguistically fascinating and emotionally devastating,' said Dr. Rachel Kim, lead researcher and mother of a 3-year-old. 'We'd ask a toddler, "Do you want ice cream?" and they'd scream "NO!" while reaching for the ice cream.'

The study identified distinct types of toddler 'no':

**The Reflexive No** Asked before the question is even finished. Example: 'Do you want—' 'NO!'

**The Emphatic No** Screamed at full volume for no reason. Example: 'It's time for your favorite show!' 'NOOOOO!'

**The Contradictory No** Said while doing the opposite. Example: 'Are you hungry?' 'No.' [Eating entire box of crackers]

**The Philosophical No** Rejecting the very concept of existence. Example: 'Let's go to the park!' 'No park. No outside. No anything.'

**The Delayed Yes** Eventually agreeing but only after 47 'no's. Example: 'Want to play?' 'No.' [...15 minutes later...] 'Yes play now.'

Researchers noted that toddlers possess full vocabulary but choose to weaponize 'no' as a form of psychological warfare.

'One toddler said "no" to putting on a coat, then cried because she was cold,' Dr. Kim explained. 'This is their power.'

The study concludes that the toddler 'no' phase passes around age 4, when they develop the ability to negotiate, which is somehow worse.