Scientists Identify New Emotion: Toddler Rage in the Produce Aisle

BERKELEY — Scientists at UC Berkeley have identified a previously unknown human emotion: Produce Aisle Rage (PAR), a condition affecting 100% of toddlers aged 1-4.

The emotion, described as 'immediate and catastrophic,' occurs when a toddler encounters produce that fails to meet their exact (and constantly changing) specifications.

'We observed one subject have a complete meltdown because a banana was too curved,' said researcher Dr. James Martinez. 'The next day, the same child rejected a banana for not being curved enough. This is clinically fascinating and personally devastating.'

The study identified common PAR triggers:

• Apples that are the wrong shade of red • Grapes that are touching each other • Any vegetable • Oranges (all of them) • The concept of waiting

Researchers noted that PAR episodes typically peak when the parent is already running late, hasn't slept in 3 days, and just wants to buy milk without incident.

'One parent told us she now shops at 11 PM alone,' Dr. Martinez said. 'She described it as therapeutic.'

The study also found that giving the child a banana to hold during shopping increases meltdown risk by 340%, as the child will either:

a) Drop it and demand a new one b) Open it and squeeze it into paste c) Use it as a weapon

Researchers recommend online grocery delivery and noise-canceling headphones.