Time Dilation Confirmed: 5 Minutes to Leave House = 1 Hour of Shoe Hell

GENEVA — Physicists at CERN have confirmed a phenomenon parents have suspected for decades: time moves differently when you're trying to leave the house with children.

The groundbreaking discovery, which could revolutionize physics, shows that the simple phrase 'put your shoes on' creates a temporal anomaly lasting anywhere from 45 minutes to infinity.

'We don't understand it,' said Dr. Robert Klein, quantum physicist and father of four. 'You give them 5 minutes to get ready. Somehow, 90 minutes pass. The shoes are still not on. One child is naked. Another is crying about socks. The dog is wearing a backpack.'

The study identified distinct phases of Shoe Time Dilation:

**Phase 1 (Minutes 0-5): The Optimism** Parent: 'Put your shoes on.' Child: *Stares blankly*

**Phase 2 (Minutes 5-15): The Negotiation** Parent: 'Shoes. Now.' Child: 'But why are shadows?'

**Phase 3 (Minutes 15-30): The Chaos** Parent: 'WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE.' Child: 'I can't find my shoes.' Parent: 'They're on your feet.' Child: 'These ones are itchy.'

**Phase 4 (Minutes 30-∞): The Defeat** Parent carries child to car, shoes in hand, soul crushed.

Researchers also discovered related temporal anomalies:

• 'Clean your room' takes 6-8 business days • 'Come to dinner' requires 14 requests and a megaphone • 'Go to bed' begins at 7 PM, ends near midnight

Dr. Klein noted that time returns to normal the moment you arrive somewhere late.

'The universe is mocking us,' he concluded. 'Also, my daughter just asked why we're wearing shoes. We've been in the car for 20 minutes.'