Teenagers Powered Entirely by Door Slamming, Scientists Confirm

STANFORD — In a development that surprises no one, researchers at Stanford University have confirmed that teenagers generate energy primarily through slamming doors.

The 5-year study tracked 200 teenagers and found that door slamming provides approximately 80% of their daily energy, with the remaining 20% coming from eye-rolling and dramatic sighs.

'The force generated by a teenage door slam could power a small city,' said Dr. Lisa Park, lead researcher and mother of two teens. 'We measured one slam at 47 decibels from three rooms away. The door wasn't even mad at anyone.'

Researchers identified the peak door-slamming hours as:

• 6:45 AM (waking up) • 7:15 AM (school anxiety) • 3:30 PM (homework reminder) • 6:00 PM (dinner's ready) • 9:00 PM (bedtime suggestion)

The study also noted that teens can slam doors that don't exist. 'One subject slammed a sliding door,' Dr. Park explained. 'It's technically impossible, but teenagers operate outside known physics.'

Interestingly, researchers found that telling a teen 'don't slam the door' increases slam intensity by 340%.

'We're exploring whether we can harness this energy for renewable power,' Dr. Park said. 'One family could potentially heat their home for a year.'

Parents interviewed for the study reported they can identify their teen's mood based solely on slam acoustics, with 'homework stress slam' being distinct from 'sibling rage slam.'

The study concludes that door slamming is a natural part of teen development and recommends parents invest in sturdier hinges.