Morning Routine: A Beautiful Lie We Tell Ourselves

NEW YORK — Researchers at Columbia University have concluded that the 'smooth morning routine' is a myth perpetuated by Instagram influencers who definitely don't have real children.

'We studied 2,000 families,' said Dr. Angela Torres. 'Not one had a morning that went according to plan. Not one.'

The study documented the universal morning experience:

**6:00 AM: The Alarm** Parent sets 6 alarms. Wakes at 6:47.

**6:50 AM: The Wake-Up** 'Kids, time to get up!' [Silence] 'KIDS!' [Still silence] [Parent physically extracts children from beds]

**7:00 AM: The Breakfast Negotiation** 'What do you want for breakfast?' 'I don't know.' [Parent makes eggs] 'I don't want eggs.' 'You ASKED for eggs yesterday.' 'That was yesterday.'

**7:15 AM: The Clothing Crisis** 'Get dressed.' 'These pants are itchy.' 'They're the same pants you wore yesterday.' 'They weren't itchy YESTERDAY.' [20 minutes of pant negotiations]

**7:40 AM: The Lost Item** 'Where's my backpack?' 'Where did you leave it?' 'I don't know, that's why I'm asking.' [Find it in the exact spot they left it]

**7:55 AM: The Sprint** Everyone runs to the car. Someone forgot shoes. Someone is crying. Someone is asking philosophical questions about death.

**8:15 AM: The Arrival** Late. Again. Everyone survived. Barely.

'The goal isn't a smooth morning,' Dr. Torres concluded. 'The goal is making it to school without anyone crying. Some days, even that's ambitious.'