Laundry Confirmed to Reproduce Through Spontaneous Generation

CAMBRIDGE — In a breakthrough study that challenges everything we know about physics, MIT researchers have confirmed that laundry reproduces itself through spontaneous generation.

'We watched it happen,' said Dr. Michael Park, looking exhausted. 'A family of four generated 47 loads of laundry in one week. Mathematically impossible, yet here we are.'

The study tracked laundry patterns across 1,000 households and discovered several baffling phenomena:

**The Infinite Hamper Paradox** No matter how much laundry you do, the hamper remains full. In some cases, it appears fuller than before you started.

**The Single Sock Event Horizon** Washing machines consume single socks, which disappear into an alternate dimension. Their matching partners remain, useless and mocking.

**The Clean Clothes Contamination Effect** Clean clothes placed in drawers become dirty within 24 hours without being worn. No explanation exists.

**The Child Outfit Multiplication Theory** Children can generate 6 outfit changes per day despite wearing each for approximately 4 minutes.

'One mother told us she does laundry every day and has never seen the bottom of the hamper,' Dr. Park said. 'We're beginning to suspect the hamper is a portal to a dimension made entirely of dirty socks.'

The study also confirmed that folding laundry creates more laundry. Researchers don't understand the mechanism but observed it consistently.

'We recommend just living out of laundry baskets,' Dr. Park concluded. 'Folding is futile. Accept chaos.'