Bedtime Negotiation Tactics Rival UN Peace Talks

WASHINGTON — FBI negotiators have begun studying parental bedtime negotiations, citing them as 'the most complex hostage situations known to humanity.'

'We watched one father attempt bedtime for 3 hours,' said Special Agent Maria Torres. 'The child demanded water, then claimed the water was too wet. We've never seen anything like it.'

Researchers identified common bedtime negotiation phases:

**Phase 1: The Initial Demand (7:00 PM)** 'Time for bed!' 'But I'm not tired.' [Has been yawning for 2 hours]

**Phase 2: The Bargaining (7:15 PM)** 'One more book.' 'You said that three books ago.' 'But this one is shorter.' [It's not]

**Phase 3: The Hostage Demands (7:45 PM)** 'I need water.' [Gets water] 'Not that water. Different water.'

**Phase 4: The Existential Crisis (8:30 PM)** 'Why do we have to sleep?' 'Are dreams real?' 'What happens when we die?'

**Phase 5: The False Agreement (9:00 PM)** Child appears to be sleeping. Parent tiptoes out. Child: 'MOM?!'

The study found that successful bedtime completion requires an average of 47 trips back to the room, 6 glasses of water, 2 bathroom visits, and the sacrifice of all parental evening plans.

'One parent told us she just sleeps in her kid's room now,' Agent Torres said. 'She's given up. We respect that.'